the historically strong and beautiful women always die unhappy, or before their time, or both….

is this what i want?

backtrack: i am Polycystic Ovarian (in fact, quite possibly the worst case of it in my family…), which means i have cysts on my ovaries, am infertile (but not barren….get to that in a sec), and will possibly have either uterine or ovarian cancer…but here is the thing: doctors say that (based on my body and bloodline) it will be increasingly harder year by year for me to have children…and as i already am not able to without the use of Clomid, they say it will be virtually impossible for me to have children after 25. as if that wasnt enough, the general consensus (both from doctors and my family) is that if i have a child before im unable, i may begin to develop my cancer at 40 or 50…..sounds suck ass, right? but not quite as bad as if i choose not to have children, which puts my cancer development right around 30.

already my parts hurt because of the cysts…i have to take painkillers when one ruptures.

for a person of 20, this has given me quite a strain..and my crossroad is this: do i continue to persue such things as modeling…things that have so far proven to be a Good Thing (things that may give me the power i am going after? things that make me happy..) and tempt Fate to try and bring me down (i was raised by strong women who built themselves up from nothing to a positoin of power, i really know no other way to be)…and secretly hope that there will be a cure in my time for what ails me……

or on the other hand, do i follow the path of least resistance, have children, be a mommy (in this respect i cant say im not like other women…deep down i desire children, and the disease has put my bio clock in haste) and wonder what life would have been like as a stronger woman?

'adoption' you say? any woman will tell you that adoption is hardly a substitute for concieving, carrying and giving birth to one's own child..there's a magick bond there….a bond of blood.

i know deep down that i cant do both, and it pains me to feel defeat…..

going on a magical mystery tour…be back tuesday!

in break of my habits for documenting more than a week, i will go backwards…in the style of Memento.

Today:

i woke up, sandwiched between two naked men on the futon in my living room–my body naked and sore, my mind clouded from the evenings happenings, and hungover. felt like i had had a rock 'n' roll night.

i ate food, 1 male left, and i slept the rest of the day.

The Night Before

my buddy and Gor Trainer came to see me and scott, (his name is scott, too…ill refer to them as S1 for scott, and S2 for Gor Trainer scott)….we drank quite a bit, ate dinner, ad decided to go out and look at Drag Queens.. the problem is that there are almost *no* 18 + clubs in my city, so i had to pull the "aww i left my license!" trick, and they actually fell for it (well, i think not really, but who can say no to a girl in 6" stillettos and a bondage dress?) and asked me.."okay, when were you born?" and i said (goof alert) "november 24, 1972" oops! but it was all good, they were cool wif it…just like "well, be good, and bring your license next time."

a lot of the Queens looked like Divine, but there was one or two that were stunning! after a while we decided to go home, and getting home i mixed drinks for everyone, and i got a lesson or two in serving a drink to my Master…..several rum-and-cokes later we were all over one another (all three of us, S1, me and S2) and we stayed lustful for well over 3 hours, we made love before S1 passed out, and S2 and i continued on for a little while…..S2 got me all hot and bothered (again) and then while i was on top of him writhing….hoping for a piece of meat…..he pulled me down and said "here, here, just lie down beside me.." i was denied manhood!, and we all fell asleep by about 4:30 or 5.

The Day Before:

not much else happened, i cleaned like a madman, and made chicken soup, and re-connected myself to the 'net

Thursday

my net connection was back up sometime that evening…i felt a whole lot better..btu was a little miffed when i didnt find a couple of emails from some agents i emailed a week prior….oh well.

Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday

nothing
no 'net connection…..

Sunday

my parents leave hence. i was grateful.

Saturday

my parents wandered around my house cooking and cleaning (cleaning!! WTF!! i had scoured my house before they got here!), and we all went to go see "signs" which was a suprisingly good movie.

Friday (not this past one, but the one before)

my folks and i ran around town going to various chinese/japanese markets so they could stock up on things they wanted from here, and my brother got a new video game, as well as a Gundam model.

Thursday prior

my folks show up

This concludes my confusing story of this past week. thank you, and good evening.

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there is no
thing i know
that compAAAARES with pure imagination…..

i have a lot to tell…but i wont get into it just yet, after all, i havent told about my folks visiting…but im going to let everything build up for another day or so….my trainer is coming to visit tonight!

(trainer? you ask? well, not a fitness trainer….Master has a trainer for me so i can be a good slave to Him)

film at 11