with a clear head, and the beauty of crystal hindsight am i able to make this post. my labor has almost all but stopped. i have contractions, and all the back pain and pressure i could ever want, but now they feel empty…..it's as if my body's just running the motions without really meaning to..baby's fine, however, just as active and snug as possible, keeping a contstant heart rate, etc…
these last two weeks have been pretty hard on muppet and me emotionally as well.
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i'm going to continue to approach this whole thing as i always have, balls out and taking no prisoners, because this is one of those times in life where no-one should feel bad about being selfish for a change. especially now–being selfish right now is not necessarily being selfish, because i'm keeping myself happy to do what i feel is best for baby…but on the same hand, i'm not going to take any crap from anybody…NOBODY…and i seek closure.
as i said before, i have crystal hindsight of the last two weeks. if i had to do it all over again, the first thing i would do is not open my big mouth to anyone other than muppet and my midwife. it was labor, it was real labor, it was labor that was progressing at a steady pace. muppet and i did what we were told when we told the people who wanted to know when these things were beginning.
we fucking did what we were told.
the following day, after having had sleep in precious hour-increments, the midwife informed me that things were happening, it was just a matter of time, and to call her when things seemed to pick up, she went home to get some sleep. at that point i was dialated 3 centimeters and 95% effaced. my mom was in a car on her way here (18 hour drive), calling every couple of hours to remind me to do whatever the midwife said, and to stay off my feet (incidentally, midwife suggested walking to help expedite things…you know, gravity…). and when she wasn't calling there were muppet's parents, muppet's sisters, my dad, my stepmom, and various random well-wishers..including people that never normally call.
we had only told three sources (his parents, mine, and my brief LJ post). and lessee, what was the number one question? oh yes, "so, ya resting at all?". i would have been had i the opportunity. this continued for the next week. but that skips ahead.
i had made it to 4-to-4-1/2cm before my mom arrived.
my mom arrives and begins to clean my house. every day for a week, i couldn't even leave a dish in my sink, she had my poor step-dad vacuuming the first floor one day for two hours..i don't have two hours worth of vacuuming material anywhere in the house. the noise was terrible, and in between all the bustle i was constantly being asked where things went, answering the phone telling people (as politely as i could) that i'd call when there *was* news….and basically wishing it would all go away so i could either labor in peace and have baby or go ahead and die…one thing i didnt do was sleep. i never got sleep.
and there's NOTHING quite as bad as your mom doing your entire household's laundry when you're quite capable of doing it yourself.
i sent muppet to work the whole time, mainly because that was his first week back after vacation time, and he needed to re-establish things..you know how it goes when you get back from holiday and you lose your train of thought…so he was coming back home every day feeling the normal work-related stress compacted with phones ringing, in-laws cleaning, added to that the constant worry of a wife in discomfort. you can imagine that he wasn't the most..er…congenial person in the world. so during the day i had my mom trying to make little un-stressful comments that muppet should be with me right now, and if this was a good example of how he was normally that i was being mistreated, etc. along with her little side-comments about my choice of birthing..i know after years of being around my mom that i can't say anything that would be taken the right way in these instances, so i just let it all blow over.
oh, and then came the time for my mom to meet my midwife. that was *not* very comfortable for me. a lot of issues i had previously skirted came out front on the table while i was sitting there. example: my mom found out that direct-entry midwifery is not legal in this state, and i heard her tone change…even though she seemed comforted that i had picked the 'granny midwife' of all the ones in the state, and that my midwife has a daughter my age and has caught a child for every day in the year. during my prenatal (once a week) checkup (which consists usually of blood-pressure, heart rate and baby-heartbeat doppler) my mom and my step-dad hovered in the next room, obviously interested but uncomfortable with being in the same room until i invited them in to hear the doppler. midwife and i went up to my room to do the pelvic exam, and by that time i was back down to 3-1/2cm..closing up because of nerves. it was a very enlightening experience to realise that i felt more close to my midwife as a maternal figure than i do my own mom. there were little things, too, like my mom wouldnt make eye-contact with the midwife. i thought that them meeting would make mom feel a little better, but i don't think i did..upon me asking her after the midwife left she just said "well, i'm going to keep my opinion to myself." real fucking great. that's exactly what i wanted to fucking hear.
oh yeah, did i mention i was throwing up every day? i was. and it wasnt labor-related, it was stress related.
my mom and step dad left for galveston on that friday morning, it made me sad that she couldnt be there for the birth, and another profundity passed her lips that made me a little irritated at the whole week: "well, i can't stand to see people in pain anyway, so i don't think i woud have been able to be in the room with you"
how come, then, i have been fighting this battle? how come *i* had to tell my step-mom she couldnt be here because my mom didnt want her to be? this could have all been resolved in june! what was the point of all the drama? i fought a battle for her and she admits at her victory that it was all essentially not necessary! it put me in pure emotional pain. and the worst part was that i knew, as i know now, that it was all in good intention. every last bit of it. for some reason i thought that being at the birth of her grandchild would make her closer to me, and we could let go of all the pain of years of separation. i think now, though, that we are two completely different people..we're not incompatible, but i think that we lost a lot in the time we were apart that we won't ever get back. i love her dearly, but we are just so different. that can't be easy for her, either.
then comes the weekend. it was beginning to quiet down for muppet and me, but then we get a call from one of his sisters that completely threw me for a loop. that saturday night i was taking a bath and i could hear him yelling on the phone, i knew which sister it was..only she can push his buttons in that way. i felt myself tensing up in a way i can't describe, and my mostly-regular contractions had become more sporatic, almost instantaneously, and more painful. i took the phone from his hand had told her that i knew she meant well, but as i had been telling her for the last full week we would call if there was *any* news, good or bad. and i hung up on her. basically, when we got down to the bottom of it, she was drilling him about our choice of pediatrician, how we were going to work out immunizations, and how she had been talking to six + doctors and they *all* say that it's *highly* abnormal for a woman to be at 4-6cm for over a week and how we should just cut the hippie crap and go to the hospital. nevermind that pretty much every time he talked to his dad his dad kept telling him that we should go to the hospital, etc.
that was pretty much the last straw. there's a time and a place for everything, and what we need more than anything else is either support or silence. we've made our bed and noone seems to want to let us lie in it. furthermore, people dont seem to understand that stressing muppet out stresses me out, so they speak kindly to me, and give him double-strength.
i called his mom the following day and pretty much cleared things up, as well as let them know (nicely) that i wasn't going to stand for it anymore; if they disagreed with the choices we've made then they can keep their mouths shut for the time being. suprisingly his mom's been the most understanding. she told his sisters not to call here anymore until after baby is born, and she even ventured to comment that she had seen births at home on the learning channel and saw no problem with it.
this also means that i have established myself a grade higher than 'flaky tree-hugging person that is too young for muppet' in many eyes…so i can't be politely distant anymore about anything that really matters.
this week we've been trying to get back the peace and laughter that we lost last week. that's been the worst, i think. up until now muppet and i have managed to maintain mirth and true happiness about baby's arrival..we lost it last week in all the bustle. oh, and last prenatal checkup (wednesday) i was back at 3-1/2 to 4cm, my contractions are normalizing again, and i finally got some sleep.
that's the update. i'll let you know if things change. i promise.
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