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this is messed up. i never thought i'd be here. this time last month was a sunday, and i was watching Gladiator, it was freezing outside, there was 1/2-inch of ice all over everything, i was stir-crazy and feeling very large - - i was also quite sure that i was going to be pregnant forever. i had no idea (well, i had some semblance of idea *generally*..) that i was going to be in hardcore labor in 12 hours, or that by this time the following day i was going to be out of my body and severely fatigued. what i did know, however, was that by that this time a month later i was going to have *a* baby. i've had to adapt fairly quickly to motherhood thanks to the amount of childs involved… here's what i've learned in the first month:

the first few days, when you're giving baby colostrum, baby actually has enough food to survive five days on his own from birth.

if you don't sleep, you won't make enough milk for baby, and you both get angry then.

fatigue can actually make you hallucinate. and a fatigued sleep is dreamless.

meconium is not only 'tarry', it's also oily and gets *everywhere*.

there's nothing worse than other people doing your laundry.

if you can't tell people to go away when you need to, you'll never rest.

baby has a smell, it's not a bad smell, but it's a smell you'd be able to recognise in a room of other babies as your baby.

baby does indeed remember stuff you listened to while he was in utero, baby likes reggae by default.

when supplementing with formula, baby will give you a diaper full of something closely resembling the watery stuff that comes out of the mustard bottle…and it kinda smells like cooked ham.

Bach flower Rescue Remedy is indeed a cure-all. Arnicum is a homeopathic godsend.

people suggest to mothers of singletons to get outside every day. mothers of multiples get out in factors of the amount of children they have. for me, it's roughly every other day.

the more they weigh, the longer they sleep. and hours of sleeping vary greatly with the rest of the world. suddenly it's ok to nap during the day, becaue it's the only time you all get to sleep.

you learn when baby's cries are needy, or if they're just crying. you have to just let them cry sometimes, and it makes you angry.

there's almost no sex in the house, but for some reason it's ok. you pushed so hard during labor that you're afraid to play with yourself later…but when you finally do it's very good. Big Daddy fears putting it back in, lest he makes more of what just came out.

people get suddenly very pleasant to a person when they have a baby.

people also get put-out when you don't buy into the idea that you're a superhero for doing what women have been doing regularly for thousands of years.

people also get appalled if what you do with your child is not by the book (example: co-sleeping, or differing ideas about immunization). dr. spock is still a god.

*any* baby crying will cause lactation, anywhere. and dreaming about hungry babies makes you wet the bed from your chest.

boosh. but it's been so much fun, even though the entire house has been tired. there doesnt seem to be a "bad" anything..even the worst happenings are bittersweet. sure, i'm eating through 100 diapers a week, but i got free coffee at my coffeehouse yesterday for bringing the girls by. by all accounts the first month is the toughest, and the first year is the toughest for moms with multiples… one down, one to go, but i treasure (almost) every moment.

i spent the majority of my day yesterday scraping (potentially offensive) bumper stickers off what was once my car. i could have sworn that they held the bumper together, but my opinion of my car must have been slightly lower than i thought. muppet now drives my car. i now drive muppet's car. we made this switch because Eclipses (or is it Eclipsen) are not built to hold infant seats….well, the manual says they are, but not two. i now get to drive a vehicle with this in the back:

http://baby.elysse.net/gallery/agranddayout/P1010047

which is fine, when i need to get out farther than walking distance allows (for that we have the (gift) tandem stroller). as i sat on the pavement pulling layer upon layer of identity from the back of my car lamenting all the 12 and 18-hour trips i drove nonstop, and all the fun we had together, a neighborhood kid strolls by and begins to talk to me. he's a great talker, no doubt on his way to a good middle management job, or possibly a police negotiator. he asks me if i plan on selling my car.

i tell him that there's always that possibility but i dont think he wants *my* car, although the '94 was the best Eclipse ever. he asks to sit in the 'cockpit' and i say 'sure', he admires the beat-up interior, and asks me the mileage (close to 140,000 now). he tells me that he learned to drive stick-shift in his mom's car, and that he learned how to clutch from 'The Fast and the Furious'. i understand why he wants my car suddenly. i tell him that while the body may be beat up, the important part of the car is still in perfect working order because i maintained it well since i frequently raced it when i was still in houston. "STREET RACING?" he asks, eye gleaming..no, proper racing, on a proper track i tell him ("oh", he says. to which muppet later tells me that it was *technically* street-racing because the track is a street of sorts, wish i'd have thought of that response). the crestfallen 12-year old tells me that of the '94 Eclipse down the street that has gas-packs in the trunk and all the street racing gear installed, and how he wants to have one. i've seen this car, it's a fantastic example of re-engineering, complete with toybox aluminum spoiler. but the paint job is crap (looks like expensively done crap, too) with it's white flames on either side against a violet base. it goes faster that way. i considered putting flames on my car once, but they would have been the more traditional red-to-yellow kind.

later that day i told my car to be good to muppet. then it no longer was my car. now my car is a blue Sentra. mommification is almost complete.

i'm doing a lot better than i was a couple of weeks ago. the girls and i have come to agreements on things, such as: i'll keep their bottoms clean if they are ok with me supplementing their feeding time with formula…and they'll let me sleep if i keep them full of food. they also sleep a bit more than they did at first.

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my body is almost back to its normal size, there are only a few things i can't wear, mostly shirts and lingerie that requires a b-small-c bust size, and stuff that was tight on me before i was pregnant. speaking of boobs…i gots me some massive boobies, well, massive for me. i bust out of a 34C nursing bra, and they have retained their perkiness, which is a good and bad thing. breastfeeding is the best thing to happen to my chest, ever. and it's an instant tonifier for 'baby fat' on my stomach, in another week or two i'll probably have my old stomach back, plus some distention where my navel-ring goes.

i felt like less of a woman when i realised that i was going to have to supplement their breastmilk, because breastfeeding is the original supply/demand relationship–the more they need, the more i make, and i'm quite capable of making enough, i pump off milk all the time, and i'm engorged a lot as well…

..but then i realised something else whilst looking through this book i got yesterday on raising multiples.

there's all these pictures of happy moms feeding their twins at the same time, one on each arm, encouraging anyone who wants to do it…but then i looked at these women, all of the women in the pictures were (i wouldn't say 'mammoth'..) hefty, and they all had these banana-shaped breasts that pointed in different directions to begin with. while i'm muscular enough to hold both girls at the same time (in fact, i've been building muscle in my arms since thy were born), my breasts don't yield well to tandem feedings because they still point forward and are very perky when full, which makes it impossible to arrange the twins (anyone who's seen me in the flesh can attest that i'm not a large person..the girls are growing by the day), and very painful to move them to a comfortable position for the girls. i tried feeding one at a time, but then their feeding schedule gets all wonky, and mommy gets no sleep. when mommy gets no sleep, or mommy gets stressed, mommy can't make milk.

so what we do is this: i give one girl a nipple, and (unless she unlatches by the time the other one is ready) the other girl gets a bottle of breastmilk. switch as necessary. once that avenue is dried up (ha ha) we move on to formula, and when the girls sleep i pump what i can into bottles to replenish the supply. everybody wins. repeat as needed.

but enough of my super-tits.

we had a Grand Day Out yesterday, it wasn't much, but it was the first time they had been outside the house, ever. a set of their great-grandparents gave us a tandem stroller…made by Jeep. i feel like a yuppie-mom using the thing, it's so freaking large, but it has shocks, is easy to maneuver, and the back seat can be used as a car seat as well. i have to admit it's very nice, despite all the Jeep logos on it. it's probably the epitome of all i stand against in childrearing (Jeep Wagoneer brand, etc.. i detest the 'baby must have eddie bauer/tommy hilfiger stuff' mindset. it seems silly, especially since they're going to poo or spit up all over the stuff. no need for brand names, i go for sturdy and dependable), but unless one of these girls learns to walk, or i'm able to carry two baby-backpacks on my front (see again: my size vs. babies) i won't be able to go anywhere without it for a while.

but i digress.

so we had a Grand Day Out. i bundles them up and puts them in this monster of a stroller, and we went down the street and back. it put them right out, and muppet and i were sure to take pictures (which i hope to have up soon) ten minutes outside. it was nice.

last night Yvonne had her first lesson in Futility. we're not going to co-sleep them anymore, so our best bet was to put Zella (the quiet one who generally sleeps a long time) down in the pack'n'play bassinet in our bedroom, and Yvonne (lil' miss tyranny) in the crib in their room, with monitor next to her and the door shut. i was able to turn off the monitor during the night (which i kept under my pillow) when i heard that she was throwing a fit. i never knew that three week old infants threw fits, but she does. i was sure to confirm that she was indeed throwing a fit, and not in need of food/changing/burping when i put her down. and indeed she was just throwing fits, because she calmed down and slept. we will have to do this excercise for another few days i'm sure..which may be hard because muppet's parents are coming in this weekend, and i don't know if i can convince my mother-in-law *not* to rush in and pick Yvonne up when she starts to throw a fit. in any case, muppet and i got to cuddle closely for the first time since sometime before september, and we also got to sleep comfortably for the first time since the girls were born. we also made out like horny teenagers. i can't wait to have sex again. it will be very fulfilling, but we're going to have to be careful, 'cause now we know the gun is loaded!

i'm still elated to be a mommy, and even though twins is hard work, it's very satisfying. i didnt think i could ever be happier than i was when it was just me and muppet, but now our house has this kind of warmth to it that muppet and me couldnt make by ourselves. we're a family, and it's super-cool.

oh, and the girls REALLY like Stereolab. go figure.

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